Marriage Does Not Move You: You Move It

A quote I found at thetop100bookclub:

The orthodoxy runs, that if marriage is founded on less than perfect truth it will always come to light. I don’t believe that. Marriage moves you further away from the examination of truth, not nearer to it.

I almost left this as a comment (then decided it might look hostile and/or inappropriate at a blog that is primarily about books, not about social issues):

Marriage does not move you further away from truth.

Marriage is something you do. If you do it well, you will move closer to truth.

You are not supposed to be passive. If you are old enough to marry, you are old enough to claim your life, and choose – and own those choices, with all their consequences.

Stephen Sondheim wrote in his lyrics (Company):

You always are

What you always were

Which has nothing to do with

All to do with her

I think that recognition is the one you make right before you genuinely become a partner with your spouse. You stop looking to your spouse for your identity, and instead give your spouse your own identity, while said spouse does the same in reverse, to where the marriage is not two empty people looking to the other for something, but two complete people in harmony.

I’m not sorry-grateful. I’m no longer looking back and thinking about all the “could haves” – I still do it with my life (not as much as I used to), but not with my marriage. There comes a point where you accept – not your spouse, because s/he is not the problem, but the reality:

  • life means making choices
  • choices entail risk
  • risk means a situation where things might go wrong
    even terribly wrong
  • when things go wrong, you can’t make them unhappen
    (not even by wishing or demanding or reading
    the latest Oprah Book Club bestseller)
  • some of your choices will be right. Enjoy this
  • some of your choices will be wrong. Learn what you can –
    but ultimately, you must accept.

Healing does eventually resolve itself into something that doesn’t involve constant pain, if you avoid the temptation to run and hide (substance abuse doesn’t have to mean drugs – it can mean chocolate cake, or even scapegoating; blame is a drug).

For those who are struggling with family ties that aren’t working right, hang in there.


3 thoughts on “Marriage Does Not Move You: You Move It

  1. Thanks for quoting The Top 100 Book Club blog. I almost wish you had left it as a comment – ‘Metroland’ demands that you think about marriage, what it means, what it is based on. These are certainly things I have been thinking about since reading it, and your blog article definitely offers a great perspective.

  2. Thank you. I actually went by the bookstore to find a copy of this book, but they said they don’t carry it. Was planning on checking the library, because I keep thinking about this quote.

    You have a nice blog btw. Will definitely be back over there & will be less hesitant to make comments next time. Thanks for stopping by 😀

  3. Thank you 🙂

    ‘Metroland’ is quite thought-provoking, but not on marriage specifically. I am sure it will give you some fodder for your blog, though! In fact, Julian Barnes will probably be quite inspiring on many fronts.

    I am getting married next month and I am reading what I can about it, although I think it is probably an education through experience part of life more than anything else.

    Keep well. Look forward to reading more of your posts!

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